D’ya hear yer man

My mum and my sister Sian were in London last week.

The trip was organised to celebrate Sian’s birthday and their schedule of activities included a great deal of shopping, several visits to high-end eateries and a West End show.

However, they couldn’t fool me. Like everyone else who goes to London, I knew the real reason for their trip... trying to spot famous people.

They were not disappointed. They met several celebrities including someone whose name I have forgotten from The Only Way Is Essex and Anthony Costa who has done very well for himself since leaving Blue and now runs his own franchise of Costa Coffee.

During their stay my mother and sister treated themselves to lunch in a fancy cafe called Choccywoccydodah. I’m led to believe everything in the cafe is made of chocolate including the tables, waiting staff and menus.

It’s just as well the menus weren’t flammable as my mum has a habit of setting fire to menus in posh restaurants. But that’s another story.

It was in Choccywoccydodah that mum and Sian encountered the biggest celebrity of their trip.

At the table behind them was Gail from Coronation Street. Her real name is Helen Worth but she’ll always be Gail Tilsley to me.

Anyway it turns out she’s getting married in real life and she’s getting her wedding cake from Choccywoccydodah. Who says the Lurgan Mail doesn’t bring you exclusives?

If I remember correctly, Cadbury used to sponsor Coronation Street and the opening sequence featured the entire street made out of chocolate. My bet is she’ll try to recreate that for her wedding cake.

Cake aside, let’s hope her marriage in real life is more successful than her soap matrimonials, given that her first husband was stabbed to death, her second marriage ended in divorce, her third husband was a serial killer and her fourth drowned by mistake when attempting to fake his own death.

A tight bind

While mum and Sian were brushing shoulders with one of Coronation Street’s best known residents, poor little Lucy Cousins was experiencing life on Constipation Street.

Last week I told you how Lucy had taken to solid foods, particularly banana. Well, unfortunately the banana came back to bite her, or should that be bind her.

There’s no punchline here just a piece of parental advice. Feeding your baby lots of banana, while fun at the time for both parties, can lead to constipation.

Over Easter Lucy was straining like an Olympic weightlifter until she was red in the face with the end result nothing more than a mini egg. The irony wasn’t appreciated at the time.

Unlike the case of the constipated maths teacher, it wasn’t simply a case of working it out with a pencil.

Rather less amusingly, prunes proved to be the antidote.

Life on the road

A friend of mine was telling me of an incident which occurred when he was out for a drive this week.

A large container vehicle in front of him was carrying a load of entrails of animals which had been recently slaughtered.

The vehicle was forced to brake sharply and when it did its contents spilled out onto the road.

My friend had to call upon his expert driving skills to navigate the kidneys, livers and tongues dotted about the road.

It sounds like an ‘offal’ mess. It’s a pity there hadn’t been a fork in the road. And maybe a knife as well.

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: the question I asked was ‘Are you asleep?’ and by answering ‘Yes’ I knew the person was lying.

Here’s this week’s conundrum: Mr Easter eats two eggs every day. He never buys any eggs, nobody gives them to him, he doesn’t steal them from anyone and he doesn’t keep hens. Where does Mr Easter get his eggs from?