D’ya hear yer man

‘MAIL’ man Graeme Cousins states his mind online

Silent laughter

I’m doing a comedy masterclass at the minute. I just got the results back from the exam I did on ‘Stars of Silent Comedy’. I got four Marx out of a possible five.

Doggone it

Karen watched a film on Sunday that made her cry on over 30 separate occasions.

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It was called ‘Hatchi - A Dog’s Tale’. It stars Richard Gere and is based on the true story of a college professor’s bond with an abandoned dog he takes into his home.

If ever there was an actor to develop a bond with a household pet it’s Richard Gere.

Anyway, at the end of the film, red-eyed and wet-faced Karen declared, “That was brilliant.”

I thought, I’ll have to remember that the next time I reduce my wife to tears.

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It didn’t take long. Two minutes later Karen asked, “Mr Cousins, can we get a dog?”

“No, under no circumstances can we get a dog,” I said. “Number one - neither of us are here during the day to look after it. And number two - I don’t like dogs.”

Cue the tears.

Strangely enough I didn’t get described as ‘brilliant’ for having induced a bout of waterworks. Another ‘b’ word was used in its place. (If the dog’s going to be alone - get two! ED)

Comedy at its most basic

Last week’s cautionary tale about Nik the camera and his family has come in for some criticism. That’s the last time I try anything different.

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I understand some of the references may have been a bit obscure and the humour a tad subtle. With that in mind I’ve put together a treat for those readers disappointed by my cryptic ramblings. Just for you, here is comedy at its basic best...

Pug-faced funnyman Lee Evans is doing a bit of gardening. He realises he’s forgotten his gardening gloves and slaps his head in frustration. He turns to retrieve the gloves from the shed but inadvertently stands on a rake. It hits him slap bang in the face - right between the eyes. His face judders from the almighty thwack. He starts to waver and tumbles backwards and lands with a tsunami-like splash into a pond. Much flailing ensues. Lee emerges from the murky pond and spits out what seems like half a gallon of brown water. Just when it looks like he’s finished regurgitating the pond, out pops a shiny orange goldfish.

Lee calls to the house for assistance and the camera locates pot-bellied funnyman James Corden hanging out an upstairs window. “I can’t help you, mate,” he says. “I’m on the phone to Becks giving him a right slagging about being so brilliant.”

The camera pans downstairs to bespectacled funnyman Alan Carr who is standing at the kitchen sink in a pair of marigolds. He rolls his eyes and says something in a camp voice.

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Meanwhile Lee has managed to set fire to his arm. Not to be upstaged James also sets fire to his arm. Alan rolls his eyes then sets fire to his arm.

The screen fades to black and the scene ends with Lee, James and Alan sitting in a hot tub and drinking to their success. Then I come along and throw a toaster into their midst.

Foot note

I went to see this chiropodist the other day about my bad feet. It turns out he has a masters degree in history but hasn’t been able to find a job in his field of expertise. That’s why he had to settle for being a chiropodist. He calls himself William The Corncurer.

Weekly teaser

The answer to last week’s teaser was: the blind beggar is the sister of the man who died.

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Here’s this week’s teaser: A landlord is threatening to evict a father and his beautiful young daughter, unless she agrees to marry him. In a false gesture of sincerity, he offers an opportunity for her and her father to remain in the house, without marrying him. He has a silk bag in which he says he has placed a white and a black stone from the footpath on which they’re standing. If she picks the white stone from the bag, without looking, she wins. If she picks the black, she loses. However, the young girl saw him place two black stones in the bag. She can’t expose him in front of the witnesses without angering him and making things worse. How does the girl win?

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