D’ya hear yer man

Yer Man on presents for his daughter Lucy...

“My only concern about the gifts Lucy has been given is that a lot of them are emblazoned with the Winnie The Pooh logo. If her clothes have got Pooh all over them to start with what are they going to be like by the time she’s finished wearing them?”

Yer Man on buying jeans...

“In order to find a pair of jeans that suit me, I have to hunt through jeans with more pockets than the Crucible. Jeans that look like their last owner had a short-lived job as a lion tamer. Jeans with that many unidentified stains on them that they look like they should be stored in an evidence bag.

“Then I have to consider not just waist size and inside leg measurement, which vary from shop to shop, but the way in which the jeans are tailored. Modern jeans come in different fits. They’re described in terms like ‘Loose’, ‘Skinny’, ‘Relaxed’ and ‘Straight’. At times I forget myself and think I’m reading a ‘Looking for Love’ ad.

“I thought I was fairly au fait with the tailoring of jeans until I chanced my arm (or should that be leg) in Top Man and was faced by a pair of jeans which were being sold as ‘Guerilla’ fit. You could be fooled into thinking they had breathable lining for long spells in cramped conditions and a special pocket to fit an AK 47. But no, they were just a funny coloured pair of jeans that looked wider than usual.”

Yer Man on the dangers of smoking...

“Smoking kills. That’s what it says on the packet, so it must be based on a small degree of research. Another way of looking at it is sharks kill as well, but that doesn’t stop people going swimming in the ocean. Either way, it’s pretty much accepted that smoking is a hobby which could well send you to an early grave. Which is why I had to suppress a smile when a nicotine-stained gentleman said to me recently, without a hint of irony, “If my wife found out I smoked she’d kill me.””

Yer Man on Bananagate...

“The first mouthful of food Lucy got was on Friday when Karen and myself spoonfed her mushed up banana. Or so I was led to believe.

“Less than 15 minutes after feeding her the banana she produced a number two. That’s right, Yer Man is talking about poo again, so if you’re of a weak disposition, stop reading now.

“The consistency of Lucy’s waste was a lot more viscous than usual and, most alarmingly, it had little black threadlike bits in it.

“A quick Google search told me that black threads in a baby’s poo were indicative of a diet rich in banana.

“But she’d only just had the banana, so how could it have passed through her so rapidly?

“It was at this point, my wife crumbled and confessed her guilt. She’d fed Lucy a bit of banana the day before the first ‘official’ feed.

“I took great pleasure lauding over the fact I’d caught my wife out using a CSI-style technique.

“Since then Lucy has continued to feed on bananas, pears, carrots and baby rice while her dad has had to make his own tea.”

Yer Man on lazy Sunday afternoons...

“It’s strange the things you watch on telly on a Sunday that you wouldn’t watch any other day of the week. Perhaps we get a little too relaxed on a Sunday and let our guard down. It can be the only explanation for the fact that Heartbeat gained average viewing figures of 14.5 million during its first series.

“On Sunday past the final of the tennis from Queen’s Club found its way onto our telly and neither myself, Karen or Lucy made any move to turn it over. It’s as well we didn’t as for the first time I can recall something reasonably exciting happened during a game of men’s tennis.

“For those of you who didn’t see it, the match, being shown live on the BBC, between David Nalbandian and Marin Cilic was in its second set when Argentine player Nalbandian lost his head and kicked out at an advertising hoarding.

“Sounds like fairly normal behaviour from a pumped-up sportsman, but not when you consider that about an inch behind the advertising hoarding sat a middle-aged, and not inconspicuous, line judge. The foot-high board came off its hinges and caught the line judge around about the shin causing a nasty gash and an even nastier stain to his cream trousers. The result was disqualification for Nalbandian and an early end to the final.

“In my opinion David Nalbandian has a lot to answer for, but the BBC are also guilty of a crime. It was Nalbandian’s fault that the crowd didn’t get to see half as much tennis as they’d paid for, but as a consequence the licence paying public were subject to a rerun of ‘Cash In The Attic’ to fill the void left by the premature end to the match.

“Nalbandian may have took a kick at the linesman, but the Beeb really put the boot in.”