Yer Man recalls the year’s best bits - Part 2

I ended up sending them a witty email.

But my lack of affection wasn’t my fault. They were both on holidays so electronic communication was my only means.

Before you go jumping to crazy conclusions that they were away together - my dad was in Australia while my mother was in Montenegro. Perhaps I’m not the only one with affection issues.

September - I’m no stranger to getting it in the ear from members of the public, but I must admit it came as quite a surprise when I got shouted at over a public address system last week.

It happened as I was filling up my car in a petrol station attached to a well-known supermarket while simultaneously using my mobile phone to order a Chinese.

I was in the process of ordering my tea when the pump cut out and a booming, disembodied voice shouted, “Number four!”

As the announcement echoed around the busy forecourt I looked up at the pump I was using and found that it was my number that was being called out.

“You can’t use your phone in the forecourt,” the voice said with the aid of a public address system (I’m guessing Tannoy).

I finished my phone call to the Chinese and motioned to the attendant in the kiosk that the call had been terminated using the universal gesture of shaking the phone like it’s empty.

The pump was put back into action and I finished filling up my car with my cheeks suitably reddened.

October - In fairness to Peppa Pig, it’s one of the better kids programmes available.

I watched seven episodes back to back on Sunday.

“Right, time to turn off Peppa now,” said my wife.

“Do we have to?” I asked.

“It’s up to you,” she said. “But your daughter went to bed an hour ago.”

November - On the drive home, as fate would have it, I got stuck behind a car being driven by none other than Gok Wan. His driving was erratic to say the least. Every so often, for no just reason, he keep putting on the brakes. I’d say he slowed to a unnecessary standstill at least 18 times between the city centre and the outer ring. Eventually I pulled up alongside him on the carriageway and frustration got the better of me. I motioned for him to wind down his window and, inspired by a classic pop song from The Police, I sang him a rollicking. It went something like this...

“Gok Wan... you don’t have to put on the brake lights!”

December - It’s all well and good teaching children to share, but there comes a point when you have to explain to them that some things are best kept to themselves.

In the last few months Ben and Lucy have become adept at sharing each other’s colds.